Keep me grounded, Lord.
So my trip to New England was good, bad and pretty ugly, but also beautiful. The wedding was beautiful and perfect in all regards. From the weather to the people, the venue. All perfect. But as with every trip home Mom and I had a massive blow up.
Mom and I had a fight over communication and really it’s not really clear why we were fighting. Because whatever starts it, we always end up screaming about the same thing. How we treat each other. And what I’ve found is that I am actually quite selfish. It is hard for me to talk about other people and their feelings. I am always looking for ways to keep myself comfortable. I never ask Mom or anyone really how they are feeling. I’m never actually listening to people. And what I feel right now is God is telling me in order to accept His call to leadership I need to step down from my mountain. I need to not think so highly of myself. I need to listen more and talk less.
I found myself on the 12 hour train ride back home reliving all my ugly moments over the last 4 years. All the times I chose myself over others. Which is almost all the time. So with that I am feeling drawn to reading Acts and seeing how the Holy Spirit works. Because this self-centeredness is something at my core, something I can’t change in myself. This has to be the work of the Holy Spirit.
My theme for the remainder of my AmeriCorps term is “be obedient.” First to God, then to the other people in my life. I have to give up control at RT. I need to be there to support Sarah as she takes the reigns. Not control her.
I need to not be afraid to ask people how they are feeling and with that I need to be willing to really listen to their response. I need to care. Love is a choice and for me for some reason it’s a choice I need to physically make for now as God transforms my heart.
I am coming down off my mountain top where I seem to be standing and looking down on people. I am not hot shit, I thought I was. But God always brings me back down. I am sorry I got ahead of Him. Because He is doing the work. I realize I would have nothing without Him. I am sorry I keep hurting people I love.
This will not break me and put me back into my crazy. Instead I will accept responsibility that this is something I struggle with. Be open to change.
"I am the voice of the one crying out in the wilderness, ‘Make straight the way of the Lord,’ as the prophet Isaiah said." (John 1:23)